Fighting Imaginary Battles

Hello, readers!  It has been a day or two since I've blogged.  I spent a few days in a pretty deep funk after hearing bad news from a few friends.  Unexpected death and cancer were only two of the tragedies faced by friends and acquaintances this month.  I spent so many years being sleep deprived and raising babies/toddlers that I never really had the time to reflect outward to what was going on around me.  Now that my own home life isn't so all-consuming and I can exist outside of my own front door I realize the terrible things life throws at us.  Now, surely I've had some shit slung in my direction, but nothing was ever so bad as to make me feel the proximity of mortality.

Most of you probably don't know this, but I am a raging hypochondriac.  I worry constantly that I have cancer or heart problems or whatever.  Some days I will fixate on a "symptom" for the entire day or even days.  Pain in my side?  Cancer.  Lack of energy and weight loss?  Cancer or maybe a heart problem.  Lord knows I've googled symptoms a time or two, which is NEVER a good idea.  Yes, I've even had blood work and an MRI in the past because my doctor knew I wouldn't believe his diagnosis of "too much caffeine" or "flu-like virus" or "acid reflux."  I have spent hours thinking about who will help my husband raise my children and make sure they get to school, pondering who will make their lunches and kiss them goodnight if I am gone.

I don't like this feeling of helplessness against pain and despair.  No amount of religion or philosophy will ever convince me that there is a purpose to suffering and despondency.  I'm not a big believer in "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

I know it makes me sound like a pessimist.  I know it makes me sound a little crazy.  Okay, maybe a lot crazy.  Here's what I've come to realize: I can't escape pain or despair.  I can't.  It's inevitable.

I also can't and shouldn't anticipate pain or suffering.

Worrying about something will not change the outcome for the better.

Many folks turn to God or religion or the hope of an afterlife to help relieve suffering.  Most of us, even folks like me who aren't religious, have a philosophy to help us reconcile life's unfairness and help us cope with loss and hurt.  I haven't had trouble losing weight during the Best Me challenge, but I have had some trouble shedding the emotional heaviness of dealing with suffering and loss and my own mortality.

So, friends, I've added something more to making myself the best I can be: honoring with all my heart the words I use in each and every yoga class I teach.

For what has been, thank you.
To what will be, yes.

I am mortal, but I am fierce.  I have lived already been given 35 years of a breathtaking life, and I know plenty of folks who weren't blessed with 35 birthdays.  I am too blessed to be stressed, so to speak, and I will stop anticipating suffering.   Send me some light this week, friends.  My heart needs to be refilled with calm and confidence so that I can continue to send love to those I know who are actually in pain and fighting real battles, not just imaginary ones.