My Life's Unanswered Questions

How does a 20 lb. dog shed 30 lbs. of fur? And how does it end up on EVERYTHING in the house? I've found my own dog's hair in my food at restaurants.

How does a 35 lb. child eat as much as me?? Where is she putting this??

Why do I still use the word 'like' in every sentence? Am I like thirteen?

Who cares what kind of dog the Obamas get? And who the hell cares about the frickin "Octomom"? Leave that crazy freak alone with her 14 kids and foreclosed house. Well, at least she's a white welfare mom for the conservatives to pick on.

Why do I like grilled hotdogs so much? Seriously, lips and assholes pressed and formed - delicious.

What the hell is wrong with Michael Jackson anyway?

Why is nip/tuck so addictive? Have you seen this show? It's like crack.

Playdate

One of Brody's classmates' mom called this afternoon and asked if we all wanted to come over and play. Sure, why not?

Brody proceeded to call the other little boy names and got put in timeout. Soren decided to go for a little run around the house without her diaper and peed on the floor. I''m sure there were toys everywhere in their playroom. Needless to say, I'm not sure we'll be invited back anytime soon.

My boys tend to be a little on the rough side. They like to yell and tackle and fight. Brody kicked the neighbor boy in the face and gave him a bloody nose this week. I really hope that other parents still want Brody to have Brody over for playdates despite his rough and tumble behavior. The boys also tend to call each other and other kids names, the most popular being idiot or poophead.

I don't think I should have to make excuses for their behavior, but I usually do. My boys are not quiet. My boys are not the type to sit still. The problem is that Brody can dish it but he CANNOT take it, at all. I read somewhere that kids these days are almost given too much supervision. They aren't allowed to argue or work out their differences because parents interject too often. They can't move past the differences because they haven't been allowed to resolve them independently. Arguing and wrestling has gotten such a negative connotation. I do it all the time, yelling at Brody to "be careful" at the playground. . . the PLAYGROUND! Isn't this where kids should be allowed to go wild? If someone ends up hurt, it's all part of the environment, right? I don't want other parents to think that I approve of my son's behavior, but should I have to apologize for and micromanage his every move???? I certainly expect that my kids could likely get hurt at a park filled with tons of kids. I expect that their feelings will get hurt when someone calls them a name. I don't think I should be so worried about what they're doing all the time and just let kids be kids. If the other kids don't like what Brody's doing, they won't play with him anymore, and he'll change his behavior.

Rant complete.

Spring Tease

Yesterday it was 55 degrees, and today it's even warmer. The kids went to the park yesterday and will go again today, despite the fact that I have a headache yet again. These headaches are really starting to suck the life out of me. I feel like doing nothing. But I digress. . .

This photo was taken last Spring, and I love it because it shows the splendor of a Spring day and the joy kids can have with a huge sucker. I can't wait until I can get flowers for the landscaping, although we did plant some tulip bulbs in pots yesterday. Spring is probably my favorite season because the weather is nice, you don't have to mow the lawn, and you get to go for long walks without sweating. My least favorite part of spring: listening to the kids (by kids I mean mostly Brody) complain that they should be able to go to the pool now because it's not cold anymore and the sun is out. Obviously, the minute it's not 25 degrees everyday we have to get the sprinkler out.

Fartknocker

Thank you Beavis and Butthead for introducing popular culture to the word fartknocker. I'm not really sure exactly what a fartknocker is, but I'm suspicious that it may have gay slur undertones. Whatever the case, my boys have decided that it is the word of choice for the evening. I'm hearing fartknocker more times than I care to count, along with the sound of whoopie cushions purchased for them by their loving father who is hundreds of miles away. Sometimes he can be such a fartknocker.

As a sidenote, when I spell-checked this, the replacement word suggested for fartknocker was Vietcong. What the f#*k?

Back in the Day

I've been posting old photos to my facebook page because I love to remind everyone of the lame old days of high school. You could not pay me to relive high school, even though my experience was pretty pleasant. All the pressure of studying, working, dating, partying. . . yuck. When you're young you always want to be older, and when you're old you want those days back. As my 30th birthday draws near, I think I've finally reached a happy place in life. I realize that growing older is a blessing and that days cannot be taken for granted. Sure, I miss going to prom and worrying about little more than what color to dye my hair. But my life is so much more complex now, like comparing a grape to a glass of wine. We need the experiences of youth to be the building block for a rich and fulfilling adulthood. We carry with us always remnants of our teenage years. . . some of us marry them. This blog photo is Colby and me in 1997, probably just days before or after I graduated from high school.

He's the One They Call Dr. Feelgood

I'm not feeling very inspired today. It's been kind of a ho hum week as far as my creativity goes. I feel like I'm in a rut. Maybe it's just a touch of spring fever. In any case, I apologize for my lack of excitement.

I saw Dr. Hottie today about my headaches. I haven't had one in about a week now, so he's pretty sure it's not a tumor (insert Arnold Schwartzenegger voice). My blood pressure was good, my glasses aren't yet a year old, and I have good dental health. The diagnosis?? Tension!!! Imagine that. He also said my NuvaRing is probably contributing somewhat, but gave me some free samples of it to save me some money and 9 months of hell. Nice guy. The best medicine was the hug he gave me and the nice, "You'll be okay." He went to medical school for this?? My husband thinks we need a new doctor, but even he has to admit that Dr. Hottie is, well, hot. He gave the girls a hundred stickers and sent us on our way.

As we waited for Dr. Glenn to see us, Evelyn used a tongue depressor to eat the cereal we packed for snack. It kept her occupied. She also fell off the little spinny chair all doctors keep in the exam rooms but promptly stood up and said, "I'm okay!" Soren banged on the trash can like a drum so hard that the nurses thought there was construction next door. Dr. Glenn peeked his head in to say, "You're here for headaches? I can't imagine why."

I'm in Love With a Stripper

Today is Wednesday, which means the girls and I were off to the library for storytime. While Evelyn sat quietly and listened to the songs and story, Soren stood in the middle of the circle of grown-ups and kids and attempted to first remove her pants and then her shirt. Never one to shy away from making a scene, Soren proved to me today that she has a future in the exotic industries. A couple of other moms even pointed it out to me, "Hey, did you know she's taking off her pants?" Yes, but at least she's not trying to set off the fire alarm like that other kid. Are you telling his mom about about that???

As we were in the library lobby getting coats on, Soren proved to me that she can operate those handicapped buttons to open the doors automatically. She pushed the button for the inside door, squeezed through the opening, pushed the button for the outside door, tasted freedom but was intercepted by a running Mommy yelling, "Get back here you little crap!" Argh.

Update: I heard Soren saying, "Mom," from my bedroom where she was napping. I walked in to find a bare naked butt shooting up out of my blanket, a diaper thrown on the floor, a toddler laying in a puddle of pee on my mattress. Nice.

Son of a . . .

Cursing is not an odd occurrance in my house, but the kids are really good about knowing which words are grown-up words and which are not. Occasionally, a grown-up word spills from the mouths of the babes, but it's usually just ass or hell, which in my book really aren't curses at all. Anyway, while at coffee with the neighbors this week, I told them a story about how when Dade was just a wee boy Colby said' "son of a. . . " and Dade finished with, "bitch!" Not a shining moment in parentling history, but funny nonetheless. This story was told in Evelyn's presence, and I should've known it was all being absorbed like pancakes suck up syrup.

A few days later, I was putting some carrots back into the refrigerator and spilled some of the water from the carrot bowl all over the floor. "Oh man!" I said. Evelyn comes back with, "Son of a bitch!" Evelyn, I say, that's a grown up word. "I had to say it, Mom, because you spilled water all over the floor," she replies. How can I argue with that?

In other news, Colby and I went out to eat last night with no kids!! I'm pretty sure that's the first time in 16 months. Colby got me a big box of dark chocolates and a locket. I got him a necklace and a bookend from etsy.com. Evil, evil website. Stacy, my husband thanks you for making sure his paycheck now goes directly to PayPal for my etsy purchases. Forget the mortgage. . . can't turn down that cute crocheted bacon.

Anti-Valentine's Day

The 5th graders at Dade's school always have a Valentine's Day box contest. We decided to go a different direction and do a more non traditional box and valentines. Dade didn't win the prize for creativity. A SpongeBob won, but how creative is that, really? Come on, I think our box was very creative and unique. I guess next time we'll need more detail.

My sister-in-law designed the valentine's cards themselves from an idea in Family Fun Magazine. They're so cute, but they took almost an entire ink cartridge to make.

In other news, school has been cancelled for the day, and it hasn't even started to snow yet. My neighbor helped me take Colby's car to the airport yesterday so we wouldn't have to get him from the airport in a blizzard, that is, if he can make it into Lincoln. Also, I had no headache yesterday. Yay!

I'm spending Soren's naptime making snickerdoodles, having a cup of coffee, and reading the new Ann Rule book. I rarely make snickerdoodles because of all the rolling and such involved, buy my-oh-my are they delicious! I have already swept, vacuumed, mopped all the floors and am in the process of washing all the sheets and blankets. What a way to spend a snow day.

Girly

Every day for the past few days, Evelyn and Soren have been wearing necklaces, painting their fingernails, and wearing perfume. With the boys at school all day and Colby gone, the girls and I have grown pretty close. Evelyn acts and talks just like me. She's like a little mother hen with other kids, but takes charge or tattles when need be. I want to post a few photos of my girly girls. One shows Soren admiring her pink fingernails, and the other is Soren rockin' a strawberry stained shirt with fancy hair and accessories. And a runny nose. The photo of Evie is from last summer, but I still love it!

I enjoy watching my sons and daughters grow up together. They are different in so many ways, ways that only biology can explain. Yet, Evelyn loves to watch wrestling just like her big brothers. They have their moments of calm and their moments of tempest. Tempers flare and hugs abound. My siblings are so much younger than me that they are more like my children really. My experience with sibling rivalry and bonding has been with my children.

Also, the roof guy came today, and unfortunately, we only have about $250 worth of damage. I guess we'll just keep fixing these $250 patches of roof until the whole thing has been replaced. I think that's the insurance company's goal so they don't have to pay out.

So far today no headache which is great! The weather is still sunny, but a big snowstorm comes in on Friday, just in time for Colby to (hopefully) fly home. Yay.

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

The weather here is gorgeous. Yesterday it was so windy it literally blew the roof off the house. The insurance guy should come in the next few days. The neighbor across the street, J, called to tell me that my roof was blowing off. She also invited the girls and me over for coffee this morning.

We stepped outside around 9:30 am, and it was soooo beautiful. We stayed and played and chit-chatted for about three hours before we had to come home for lunch and nap. I really appreciated the conversation. My neighbors are great folks. J sent me home with some bulbs to plant this afternoon. Her husband made sure our coffee was warm and that we all had a snack. He was a bachelor til he married J seven years ago, and now he's in his fifties. He lets the kids come over and tinker with him in his garage and lets them call him grandpa. When you're a kid, I guess all gray-haired people are grandpa. He cleared snow off the driveway for me and fixed my crazy smoke alarm. J makes the kids treats like puppy chow and cherry mash, things I never keep around because I eat them.

J got out her herbal remedy book and looked up my headaches. I made an appointment to see Dr. Hottie next week, but I'm pretty sure tension will be the culprit behind my headaches.

I've Got a Headache This BIG and It's Screaming for, well, Something

I've been suffering with chronic headaches for awhile now. Thinking that they're probably stress-related I have been avoiding a trip to the doctor. The headaches aren't severe, just constant and annoying. I have finally given in and will call Dr. Hottie, um Dr. Glenn, tomorrow. Partly I'm embarrassed to go and have him tell me that it's just tension and stress. Partly I'm worried I have some frightening underlying condition. I've become somewhat of a hypochondriac in recent years, just waiting for some debilitating disease to strike me down. It doesn't help that I a) watch House all the time and see all these weird illnesses, and b) that I look every symptom up on WebMD secretly hoping to diagnose myself.

I generally see myself as an optimist and an idealist, but I often have this morbid feeling inside, like an impending sense of doom. I don't like to leave the kids with people because I fear I'll die in a car accident on the way back from the grocery store or something. Better we all die together, I guess. Seriously, I have this thought process. Is this depression? A tumor? Normal? Whatever it is, hopefully a visit with Dr. Hottie, um Glenn, will yield some answers.

Lost In Fun

Last night one of Brody's classmates had a birthday party at the local indoor playground called Lost in Fun. We had never been, so Brody was really excited. I left Dade and Evelyn in Seward with my parents because I wasn't sure if I could handle the four of them at a loud, wild kid place. Turns out the place is pretty cool. They even let Soren play for free, and adults never have to pay to play. Brody and his little kindergarten friends ran around so much that they were all sweaty and worn out. They had huge inflatable castles with ball pits and slides. Soren was in heaven climbing, going down slides, following other kids, and being a monkey in general. She was in a state of baby euphoria, I swear. I couldn't wipe the smile off her face. By the end of the evening I was so tired from chasing her around I was hoping someone would nurse me and put me to bed instead of the other way around.

Guac-Nichole-e

I have this thing where I make up new words for food or processes on which I put my own spin. For example this blog is called vescapades because it's my combination of Vesely and escapades. The other night I made one of my family's favorite made-up word foods: guac-nichole-e. It's my lazy version of guacamole with the works. I put a ripe avocado in the food processor with some salsa. Whirl it up til the avocado is mashed and the salsa isn't chunky. My family, excluding me, will not eat chunky salsa. I dump the avocado mixture into a bowl and stir in sour cream and sharp cheddar cheese. Sometimes I spread this mixture over refried black beans on tostadas or tortillas. The kids like it as a dip with chips.

It looks like dirty diaper but tastes yummy! Even the dog has a go at the droppings.

In other news, the nice weather is allowing for outdoor play!!! My sanity has been partially restored through playing at the park and chatting on Facebook. Colby comes home in a week, just in time for Valentine's Day.

Chip Off the Old Block

Today as we were getting ready to go pick the boys up from school, Evelyn and I were watching Giada Di Laurentis on Food Network. Evie never really pays that much attention to the t.v., but something Giada was making today really caught her eye: homemade ice cream with a Nutella and chocolate chip sauce. As Giada mixed the Nutella and chocolate with a spatula, Evie said, "I'd eat that whole thing." Well said, my dear, well said.

After school, the kids and I headed up to Toys R Us to spend Brody's gift card and to Bed, Bath & Beyond to buy a new waffle iron. On the highway, I got passed by a mail delivery truck. I had no idea those things could haul mail and ass.

Evelyn's Sleepy

Something that Evelyn has done since she was a toddler is twirl her hair whenever she's tired or just waking up from sleep. It's something that is so characteristically her that I just have to write about it. She never had a special toy or blanket; she always has her hair. The same hair that she won't let me comb or style keeps her comforted as she drifts to sleep. It's so sweet and a perfect signal that it's time for bed.

Brody used to twiddle his belly button, even if he had to reach up the side of his onesie to get to it. He doesn't do it anymore, but it is definitely something I will always look back on with a smile.

Dade had his Piglet, of course.

Brody's Birthday Party

Yesterday was party day, and it was no disappointment. We rented the neighborhood rec center and filled it with kindergartners and kids and family. Colby, Scott, and Carrie set up scooter races, dodge ball, and duck duck goose. They had shuttle runs for prizes. I got to meet a bunch of Brody's classmates and their parents. All the kids were really good, and we only had two minor injuries. Despite the fact that I requested no gifts, Brody got lots of lovely toys and crafty items from his friends.

After the party, we went out to eat at the local trough, I mean, buffet with family and friends. Dade ate more food than I've ever seen anyone eat in my entire life. I think he ate more than any of the grown ups. After supper, Sara and Travis and the kids came over for awhile and then headed back to their hotel.

Today I have a big day of shopping planned. Sadly, our gourmet waffle maker broke after 6 hard years of use. Poor thing just couldn't take the heat anymore (ha ha).